


Goals of Forever Dreams of Never

by Oaklin



Series: Forever Everything [9]
Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Kayfabe Compliant, M/M, Nightmares, Swearing, brace yourselves vagueness is coming, mostly good natured friendly ribbing, obligatory Kevin Steen warning, obnoxious foreshadowing, poor bby, seriously, stealth angst, terrible attempts at Arabic endearments, this whole thing is basically Sami getting trapped in his own head, which are probably wrong because google always fails me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-22 15:50:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7444930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oaklin/pseuds/Oaklin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tiny baby!Sami has a revelation amidst nightmares and insecurities and embarrassment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goals of Forever Dreams of Never

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello!
> 
> Exposition dump ho!
> 
> This was supposed to be a lot shorter but then Sami started rambling and had, like, a revelation that literally everybody already knew about but him (I was writing this under the impression that Sami at least was wise to the whole falling-head-over-heels-in-slow-motion-thing but apparently the fact needed to be restated by our favorite little rainbow) and as usual it all kinda snowballed from there. Just a warning, but this fic is all over the place, with a kinda confusing flashback and a lot of inner monologuing. I don't really wanna mess up the flow of the story, so just as a hint, keep in mind that dreams and nightmares are a major theme throughout, so take everything that happens with a grain of salt.
> 
> I am apparently never actually going to get to post the Masks we wear Forever. It is still slated to come next, then Fighting for Forever (misleading title is misleading) although Hoarding Forever looks like it takes place before tMwwF so... ug. Timelines, am I right? Speaking of, if anyone is curious (though the timeline is fucked enough that it doesn't really matter. It WILL matter very much later but right now try not to stress out about it) this takes place around February 2004.
> 
> Edit: Completely unrelated, but if I disappear at any time, don't be concerned. My internet provider is being a douche so at some point I may temporarily be without a way to post. I will return eventually though, if they do end up turning me off >:(

When Sami was small, he never had much of a problem with nightmares. Perhaps it was the night light his father had bought long before he was even born, or the songs his mother would sing to him at night before bed. Regardless, nightmares were not a common occurrence for him.

That is not to say they never happened at all. Sometimes, very rarely, something would happen to cause one.

Like when Sami was three he and his family went to a carnival. Oddly enough, it wasn’t the clowns or the magic show that scared him but the tight rope walker. Sami had nightmares about those poor people falling to their death for days until his father convinced him that they were highly trained athletes who knew what they were doing.

Or in elementary school when Sami’s babysitter let him watch a nature documentary and he had nightmares about the poor little prey animals being eaten by predators. That one was solved when his mother sat him down and explained the food chain to him and they held a memorial for all the prey animals who lost their lives in the wild.

There was also the time when he was about fourteen. Sami's best friend’s parents had been going through a divorce. Sami had watched, mystified and concerned as his friend spiraled out of control, pushing everyone away and getting into fights constantly. It got so bad at one point that Sami came home with a bruise that he hid so he didn’t have to explain to his parents why his friend had punched him. Eventually, Sami’s friend left town, his parents moving and taking them with him. Sami never found out if the kid turned out okay, or if his parents got back together.

Sami didn’t mention the nightmares he had every time his parents fought. He just made sure to bring his little family together for something, anything fun, the next day and tried to forget the images of being alone and lost when he closed his eyes.

Truth be told, that's probably why he never had too many nightmares. Sami always had people around, always had friends or family to lean on, to laugh with. Almost to the point of crippling him when he had to be alone.

“The scariest thing is being alone,” Sami’s mother had always told him. “Someday you will meet someone who will make all your fears feel insignificant.”

Sami had blinked at her, trying his best to follow her logic, “What does the last part have to do with the first? If I find someone who makes my fears go away, then what power will fear even have over me?” 

She gave him that seemingly all-knowing secret smile of hers, “Fear never abandons us for long. Love is hard to maintain, hard to keep in your hands and it is always slipping through your fingers when you least expect it. But fear and hatred? Oh those stick to you like leeches, draining you of all joy and filling your dreams with nightmares.” she said wisely, taking the dripping plate he handed her and drying it swiftly.

Sami blinks down at the soapy water in the sink, his impulsive eighteen year old brain trying to absorb her words. “But what if I just hold onto the person who makes all that go away?”

She wags a finger at him, “No, no hayete, you know you cannot make anyone stay if they do not want to.”

Sami scrunches his face up in confusion, “I know but if they make my insecurities better won’t I make-”

His mother is already shaking her head before he even finishes speaking and he stops, looking at her in puzzlement.

“That is not how love works ebny. Sometimes the good someone does for us, we do not in turn do for them and vice-versa. It is an unfortunate position to be in, but it happens sometimes, even when it feels like all should be right in the world. Like the person before your eyes completes you in some wholey unspecific why. A puzzle piece you never knew you were missing.”

She looks at him, all somber concern, “You must remember ebny, how fear grips ones heart, makes a person do terrible things in the name of self preservation. You must always be aware that what you feel is not necessarily how the one you love feels and that that can mean unpleasantness for you.”

Sami frowns down at the glass in his hands, wondering why his mother feels the need to tell him this. The only person he felt a real connection with at the moment was Kevin Steen and they barely knew each other. The only thing they really had in common was wrestling and a strange magnetic pull toward each other that made Sami feel like they could move mountains.

Admittedly, when he had introduced Kevin to his parents they had been less than impressed, but surely his mother wasn’t still hung up about it? Sami remembered her making vague comments about Kevin and himself being ‘pieces from two separate puzzles' or something but-

Sami shook his head, warding such thoughts away. This was an entirely different conversation.

“Whats the point of loving someone then? I mean, that deeply that is. It seems quite the ...hassle.”

Sami’s mother smiled at him, her kind eyes somewhat sad, “ Exactly nuri, that is what we all ask ourselves at one point or another. I cannot answer that for you. That is a very personal question, one that you must find an answer to yourself.”

Sami makes a face at her as he scrubs at the plate in his hands, irritated at her cryptic response.

She reaches forward and tucks her long fingers under his chin, tilting his head up and forcing him to look at her.

“The world is a mean, unpleasant, unforgiving place sometimes. You must know who you are and what you want above all else. Never let anyone turn your dreams into nightmares, _even if the person in question **is** your dreams_.”

“Know this though hayete, you are braver than you know, fiercer than you want to be and stronger than you ever imagined possible. I have faith that you will find a balance between the light and the dark, even if it takes you a few nightmarish falls to get there.”

* * *

Years after he stops sleeping at home, Sami finds he has nightmares more often, oddly enough. Granted, they still happened infrequently, but when they did pop up, they always shook him up for days. 

Sami hated the ones where he was helplessly watching those he loved be hurt by some wordless monster. A horror so vague that it shouldn’t even be scary. Just a morphing mass of the unknown, something not threatening when Sami spends any time thinking about it, but terrifying in the heat of the moment. In the dark of night, in a hotel room he doesn’t remember going to sleep in, waking up drenched in sweat, the feeling of panic still screaming through his veins.

He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not but lately those had become very rare. A good thing he believes at first, until one night Sami wakes up on the sparse carpet, terrified and trying to remember who and where he is. Desperately trying to shake off the frantic - _run run run_ \- instinct shooting through his body, attempting to ground himself in the moment and away from the terror of the nightmare he had just experienced.

The nightmares that had previously been about other people being hurt, or hurting themselves. Always Sami’s loved ones. Friends and family being sad or harmed or taken away by a nameless monster out of his control, leaving him helpless and alone. Helpless to stop the monster or save his loved ones or do anything at all other than cry and beg.

Sami wonders briefly if it means something, that those dreams have been replaced.

Replaced with dreams about a nameless horror hurting **him**.

Granted Sami doesn’t like those either, but he reasons they are better than his family being hurt.

Its not all bad though. It only happens once every few months, though it does bother Sami that he can’t seem to figure out what exactly is causing them. The nightmares appear to happen completely randomly, caused by nothing in particular. He decides its just stress after a while, maybe homesickness. They are on the road more often than not, trying to get their names out there as much as possible, get a reputation going.

A few nightmares are a small price to pay and one Sami will pay willingly. He can handle waking up every once and a while, panting and scared, not knowing where he is or who he’s with for a brief moment before he catches sight of something familiar.

These days of course, more often than not, Kevin is the the thing that reminds Sami who he is and why he is where he is. When he wakes up clammy skinned and hyper-ventilating - _run run run **monster**_ \- Kevin is usually propped up against the head board reading or watching TV.

Sometimes Kevin’s sitting on the bed staring at Sami, like he’d been waiting all night just for Sami to wake up.

It's happened enough that they have a routine. Kevin would reach over, make a sarcastic comment about Sami’s inability too do simple things like sleep, even as he clasps a comforting hand around Sami’s shoulder and lets him breath in _warmth_ and _life_ and _safety_.

Sometimes Sami would be too far gone and Kevin would wrap strong arms around him and let him sob against his chest, complaining loudly about snot stains and lack of sleep.

Once, Kevin had had to push Sami to the floor, pressing an empty take out bag to Sami’s mouth and shoving his trembling head between his knees.

The worst happened when, for some horrible reason, Sami had clawed his way back to the waking world, the dream receding to the back of his terrified mind. Sweating and panting, Sami jerked his head, scanning the room for what had been chasing him, but all he could see was Kevin.

The other wrestler was sitting backwards in a chair in front of the motel window, moonlight framing his body with a dim halo. Kevin’s head was bowed, chin resting on the headrest of the chair, chewing on his bottom lip, staring at the wall behind their bed in deep though.

It was as it should have been, as Sami hoped he would wake up for the rest of his life. With Kevin, on the road, doing what they loved.

**Together**.

However, Sami’s nightmare-filled mind thought otherwise.

Instead of registering where he was and who he was with as _home-friends-love_ Sami’s mind turned on him.

- _Not safe, **hurts** , get away, run run **run**_ -

Kevin didn’t seem to notice that Sami was awake, his dark eyes moving from the wall to the window, his gaze resting on the horizon for a long moment as Sami tried to talk his frantically panicking mind down.

Sami must have made a distressed noise at some point because after a moment of staring forlornly to the east, Kevin seemed to come back to earth. Kevin tore his eyes away from the horizon and met Sami’s terrified stare, shifting in his seat, body turning toward the bed as the look in those dark eyes focused on Sami.

Something heavy passes across Kevin’s murky gaze before he gets up and starts over to the bed.

Sami can’t get his responses under control - _run run run_ \- and he launches himself unsteadily off the bed, rolling to the floor and scrambling for the exit even as he tries to reason with himself.

It's Kevin.

- _Not **safe**_ -

Kevin loves me.

- _Doesn’t **matter**. Not **safe**_ -

I’m safer with him than anywhere else.

- _ **No**. Monster_ -

Maybe. But Kevin loves me.

- _ **Monster** is still **monster**. Love doesn’t change ones nature_ -

But-

Sami’s internal debate is cut off as arms encircle his waist, pulling him away just before he reaches the door.

Sami lets out a choked sob, fingers falling away from the door knob to franticly pull at the thick forearms around his midsection.

“Stop Sami -its me goddamnit, just calm the fuck down-”

See? Its just Kevin.

- _Hurts_ -

What? I mean, okay he’s got a tight grip but-

- _ **Will** hurt. Run run **run**_ -

I don’t understand.

- _Stupid. Trusting. Run **run** **run**_ -

Of course I trust Kevin.

- ** _Hurts_** -

Sami pulls ineffectually at Kevin’s fingers where they laced across his stomach. His panic, clammy skin and shaking hands make the task almost impossible even as he squirmed, trying to get leverage.

“Oh for gods sake you stupid, paranoid, ginger pain in my ass,” Kevin suddenly snarls about 10 octaves too loud and three inches too close to Sami’s ear, startling the struggling man briefly.

Kevin takes advantage of his shock and jerks them both away from the door, hauling Sami up into the air before slamming him belly down on the floor.

The wind knocked out of him, Sami lay there, the shock of the impact seeming to knock his thoughts back into coherency, the frantic warnings receding back until he could think properly again.

“I don’t know why the hell I even put up with you,” Kevin huffs softly against the skin at the base of Sami’s skull, the hot air further grounding the trembling man.

Sami takes a moment to breath in slowly, letting Kevin's body heat and racing heartbeat draw him back into his comfort zone. Which isn‘t hard, as Kevin is laying directly on top of him, his weight crushing Sami to the floor, every inch of their bodies pressed closely together.

Sami wants nothing more in that moment than to stay there, pressed to the grimy motel floor (bonded to Kevin like they are one person), for the rest of his life.

However, that can‘t happen right now. They have a future together. They can lay on the floor together when they retire.

“M’sorry,” Sami mumbles into the threadbare floor, feeling heat rise to his cheeks as his own actions the past few moments wash over him.

God, Kevin was never going to let him hear the end of this.

At least the other wrestler didn’t know Sami had been in the middle of some kind of mental breakdown. Nightmares were one thing but Sami’s was pretty sure most people didn’t have full blown conversations with their own mental hallucinations.

Sami opens his mouth to apologize, but before he could the over head light buzzed to life. The sudden illumination had Sami twisting his head as best he could and peering up over Kevin’s shoulder.

Standing next to the light switch by the door only a few feet away stood Eddy. The man was looking down at them with puzzled, slightly annoyed fondness.

Sami felt his cheeks redden even more. It figured he would freak out this bad when they were doubling with Eddy and Ex. Usually, he had been fortunate enough that the nightmares only happened when he and Kevin where rooming alone, or sleeping in the car.

His luck was the worst sometimes.

“You know, I get enthusiasm for our job, but you guys know you don’t have to practice 24 hours a day right?” Eddy says, dropping his arm and crouching down to give Sami a wry smile before looking up and exchanging a look Sami can’t quite catch with Kevin.

Sami shifts uncomfortably, embarrassed and self-conscious, “Sorry for waking you and-” he glances across the room. Excalibur was still fast asleep, the covers tangled in his legs and arms splayed across the bed, “- uh, just you I guess.”

Eddy’s eyes follow Sami’s to the sleeping form of his friend. Eddy’s mouth quirks briefly before he looks back at Sami, “Your lucky he can sleep through anything.”

Eddy glances up at Kevin, “You gonna let Sami up big guy? He’s probably suffocating under your big fat ass.”

Kevin squawks in indignation, “Fuck you asshole. You wish your scrawny, gimp lookin’ ass looked as good as me,” he huffs without heat, pulling Sami to his feet and socking Eddy in the shoulder as they stand.

Eddy laughs and Sami feels himself relax as some of the tension in the room eases.

“If you fuckers don’t shut the fuck up and go back to bed I’m gonna bring the first ring rat I see back here and keep you assholes up all night. See how you shits like it,” snarls Excalibur, not bothering to get up, just growling the words out as he rolls toward the wall, back to them as he curls up in a tight ball.

“Suck it up, Ex,” laughs Eddy, winking at Kevin and Sami as he walks toward his sleepy friend.

“Like you would ever find a rat with low enough standards to fuck you,” Kevin snarks as he and Sami start back to the bed, Sami flicking the light switch off as they go.

Excalibur’s only response is a middle finger, prompting a soft laugh from Eddy as he settled back on their bed.

Sami flopped face down on the bed, bunching the pillows up under his chin. Sighing, he tried to shake off the residual fear from earlier.

Stupid dream. Nightmare. Ruining a nice night and waking everyone up.

Well, Kevin had been awake, something that was beginning to worry Sami.

Kevin never seemed to get more than a few hours of sleep at a time and always waved Sami off when he inquired about Kevin’s sleep schedule.

The mattress dipped under Kevin’s weight. Sami looked up at his dearest friend, ready to ask quietly about why Kevin had been up, but the words died on his tongue.

That inscrutable look was back on Kevin's face, complete with the heavy emotion from earlier. Those dark eyes Sami had come to love so much were alight with that inner fire that stole Sami’s breath so frequently he was beginning to think Kevin was some sort of gift from the universe.

Not for Sami of course. Kevin was too special for Sami.

Someday though, the rest of the world would recognize Kevin for the genius he was. The genius he sometimes bafflingly pretended he wasn’t. The genius Sami had known he was from the day they met.

Hopefully, when that happened, Sami would be good enough too and they could rise to the top together, just like in Sami’s best dreams.

Not the nightmares.

- _In the nightmares **Kevin** **lea**_ -

Sami turns his head away from Kevin’s piercing gaze and presses his face hard into the pillow, willing the tiny, horrible voice away.

It doesn’t matter what Kevin does in my nightmares. What matters is what he does in real life.

And in real life, he’s here, beside me. Where he _belongs_. **Always**.

Sami flinches at his own thoughts and tries to rein that one in a bit.

Sami knew he would never get all of Kevin and he was pretty sure he could live with that. He just wanted some part of him, even just for now. Sami knew it would be hard to give it up if he ever had to, but he also knew he would if that's what it took for Kevin to be happy.

Sami sighed and turned his head, focusing tired eyes on his bedmate again. Kevin’s eyes glittered in the dim motel room as he settled back against the head board, his deep, steady breaths lulling Sami into a doze, his thoughts becoming muddied. A sense of rightness washes over Sami and he reaches out, brushing his finger tips against Kevin’s.

Kevin doesn’t look at him, just stares across the room, that faraway look in his eyes, like he wasn’t even here in the moment with Sami.

Regardless, thick fingers (sure and steady as always) lace with long awkward ones and Sami feels his world slot back into place, his lingering fear and anxiety slipping away.

Sami knew where he belonged. It was right here, it had always been right here and would always be right here. Kevin was going straight to the top and Sami would follow him as best he could, because Kevin was his everything.

Kevin was Sami’s lifeline, his friend, his partner in most things, his better half.

No dream would change that. No horrible nightmare that lied to Sami. No deeply buried misgivings would ever convince Sami that Kevin wasn’t worth trusting.

Kevin was destined for greatness.

Sami was destined for forever with Kevin.

**Author's Note:**

> Roll credits!
> 
> In case it wasn't already clear, both Kevin and Sami are unreliable narrators. They spend extraordinary amounts of time lying to themselves, each other and everyone around them.
> 
> On that note, I should totally write Sami introducing Kevin to his parents. It's made itself known a few times now, that apparently in this universe Sami's parents don't like Kevin (to be fair if I was Sami's parent and we lived in a kayfabe world, I would probably have buried Kevin in the back yard for making my precious ray of sunlight cry) So perhaps I should give that a go. I like awkwardly sentimental fics, so Sami's parents gently trying to tell him that the 'Kevin and Sami Show' is headed straight for disaster sounds intriguing.
> 
> For the record, hayete SHOULD mean 'my life' and nuri supposedly means 'my light' and ebny is 'my son' in Arabic. If those are wrong then google sucks forever and you're all free to have a good laugh at my expense. Yes I am aware that there is probably some nuance there that is not going to translate well, but I really like the language and I kinda want to incorporate some of Sami's heritage into the series where I can, since its not really relevant in his later life. Side note I know, but jesus Arabic is a pretty language. I may have to learn some more just because its so beautiful, google translate being jank nonwithstanding.


End file.
